Friday, July 16, 2010

Imagine My Shock, Horror & Humiliation!!!

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Hey Ya'll,

Well.......Walt caught me in a lie!  I rarely lie to him, and he knows it.  I hate to lie, and I am not very good at it.  Which is why I don't like to lie!!  People can read me like a book!  So if he asks me directly about something, I tell him the truth.  Which is what I did tonight.

How many of you, without really realizing what you did, slipped back into your old habits?  Or perhaps I should say, how often do you still slip into your the old habits?  I bought a box of Carnation Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwiches, believing that I would just hide them from Walt, and eat one a day.  Well, he found my stash!

I had hidden them in the Freezer in the garage, inside a box of old Frozen Dinners (thinking he wouldn't look in there for awhile).  Wouldn't you know it, he comes walking in from the garage holding one of the Frozen Dinners, and said something like, "look where I was, what do you have to say"?  It took me a second or two to realize that he had found the stash!!  Imagine my shock and horror that he found me out.  It is bad enough that I felt like a slime everytime I ate one, knowing that I was letting myself down.  But for him to find out was 10 times worse!!  I hate it when I let someone down.  And I let Walt down.  And most of all, I let myself down!  Walt, I am sorry Sweetheart.

Here's a little background on my psych.  Growing up, my parents never had to spank me.  In fact, I rarely did anything bad enough, to even warrant anything more than a mere scolding.  I was after all, the perfect child, the good kid that never got into trouble.  My Dad never had to spank me, if he got angry with me for anything, all he had to say was that he was disappointed in me (even now), and I would start to ball my eyes out!!  Imagine me, disappointing my Daddy, the man I looked up to with such adulation!!  And tonight I felt like that with Walt.  I wanted to crawl into a hole, cover myself up and die.

Unlike most of ya'll, I don't have as much trouble with how hungry I am (at least most of the time).  I can go most of the day without eating.  but my downfall is controlling myself from my bad habits.  I am not hungry most of the time, I just WANT IT.  I CRAVE IT, I GOTTA HAVE IT (maybe some of you can relate to this still).  I wish they would develop a pill that could block my Brain from WANTING what I don't need.  Then life would be perfect!  Maybe I should have went ahead and had the Gastric Bypass.  They say that with the Bypass, when you eat sweets, you become so ill, that you don't want to eat them again!!  There, problem solved! 

This is partly why I haven't posted much about my Band lately.  I have been hanging in there with the weight.  Not really losing, but not gaining too much either.  Staying fairly stable.  But that is because of my inability to control myself long enough to break my old habits of, CRAVING SWEETS.  Anyone else out there feel like this, or am I the only one going nuts???  I am my own worst enemy!!!  Well, what can I say, I was found out, I hate myself right now, but I have to get up, dust myself off, and get on with my life.... 

Changing the subject before I really break down.  Today was pretty hot here in the valley.  It appears to have gotten up somewhere between 100-102 degrees.  And we are expecting it to be somewhere between 102-106 degrees for the next 2-3 days!!  Depending on which weather report you pay attention to!  I am of course, praying for the lesser temps.  LOL  And us without Air Conditioning (by choice of course)!!  I can usually take the weather up to about 92 degrees without it being too unbearable, but definitely anything over 96 is BAD!!!  Well, tonight I jumped into the pool at 7:15 pm, and didn't get out until about 9 pm!  And it felt great! 

Today, Walt went on day one of his three day 600 miles per day Bike rides!  He said that it was harder than he expected it to be.  They (our friends Don, Debbie and Walt) took the ride in 4 sections.  But he said that his Legs, Hips and Back bothered him most of the day.  He will be sure to take some Tylenol Arthritis pills with him tomorrow and Saturday!  So he survived the first day of 600 miles.  Two more to go.  He should be totally exhausted by Saturday night!

Ah.....Saturday night!  Our friends from Portland, Oregon, are here in the Sacramento area, visiting Mark's Mother.  They are heading back up to Portland early Sunday morning, so they are coming over to our house Saturday night for dinner!  I assumed that Walt was going to cancel his ride for Saturday, or at least take a shorter ride.  But he said that he still planned on the full 600 mile ride.  He will just have to start even earlier!!  He started out at 6 am today (Thursday)!  And didn't get home until about 8:15 pm as they stopped for Lunch, and he took a short break before he rode the last stretch home, from their place ( which is about a 2 hr ride from here)!!!

This should prove interesting!!  I am not sure, but I believe that he is planning on barbecuing Saturday night for our friends!  I would prefer to go out and not deal with the mess in the house, as we do not have much left in the way of furniture.  And the thought of dealing with cleaning up the mess in the heat, on top of all of it, is just almost unbearable.  So I am hoping that we go out at least for dinner.  We can come back and swim or talk, whatever, just don't make a MESS that I have to CLEAN UP in the heat!!!

****Side-Note****I spoke with Walt earlier, after I wrote the last couple of paragraphs, and he said that he had originally planned on barbecuing.  But he agreed that it would be better to go out.  Maybe my Brain was sending out my thoughts better than I thought!  There is a god!!

Well, I am so excited.  I finally got my Kindle DX last week and have downloaded about 18 Free Books so far.  But today, I received my Gift Certificates in the mail for Amazon!!  I have been filling out online surveys for several years now, and cashed in enough to give me $70 to spend!!  Now I can start to actually "Buy" some books.  LOL   Now that I have this "money", it is burning a hole in my pocket so to speak, but I want to be sure of what I buy with it.  I want to be sure that it is something that I really want.

Let me tell you something else about me.  I always want something.  I will save for it, and plan to buy whatever it is.  I will have saved the money, and maybe even have a coupon, or the item may be on sale, making it an even better deal.  But then I get to the store, hold the item in my hand, and 9 times out of 10, I will TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT!!!  Just ask my kids.  The kid that acts as the Devils Advocate for me is Kat.

If she is with me, she will see me fighting with myself over whether or not I should actually buy the item "that I specifically went in there to buy"!  And she will either talk me into it, or buy it for me herself!!  Walt sometimes hates it when we shop together!!  LOL  As he knows that I will almost always talk myself out of something if I am alone, but with Kat, I sometimes buy too much!  So now I have this "funny money", and I'm trying to figure out what books I want to purchase with it!!  Such is my life.

Well, I better go for now.  I have lots to do, to get the house ready for our Friends to come over, as they have never seen our house.  It is now 1:30 am and it is still 86 degrees in my Office, for Chris-sakes!!  I didn't get to bed until 5 am yesterday (Thursday), and was up (to stay) by 11 am.  The heat makes it hard to sleep.  We hate these nights, where the temps don't drop low enough to make it comfortable.  This is when we miss the Air Conditioner the most I think!!  So, till next time.....

Aloha My Friends  :)

6 comments:

Maria said...

Sorry you are having a rough time with cravings. I go through phases with that. Sometimes, I don't need anything. Other times, well... you know. I have a horrible sweet tooth. My promise to myself was to never hide it though. If I buy myself treats, they go right in the kitchen, accessible to everyone.

Hope you get some relief from the heat. A dip in the pool sounds wonderful!

Christine said...

Hey! I gave you a blog award!! check it out here: http://www.phoenixrevolution.net/archives/659 I'll be back to read more, later!

tessierose said...

Maybe part of the draw is the secret, I always used to hide food, it was that much better tasting when I had to sneak to have it (kind of like an affair I guess.) Once I stopped eating in secret, things eventually got better for me. I rarely crave sweets anymore, but if I want something, I have to eat it out in the open. Good luck!

Christine said...

Oh, and by the way, I wrote a similar post about eating in secret and hiding food. I think that this is something that is common with people that have struggled with psychological issues and disordered eating. See post here: http://www.phoenixrevolution.net/archives/566

CHRISTINE said...

OK, it sucks to get cough. I hate it when that happens. But have to admit your blog made me giggle a little.

Sandy Lee said...

You made me laugh until I cried when you talked about hiding food. I did that too and my hubby always seemed to sniff it out. It's ok to get stuff you like. You don't have to hide it anymore. Because you can eat everything. The band keeps you from bingeing. Guess what-Walt gave you an NSV. You don't have to hide anymore. You just have to tell him not to eat it if it is for you. BTW, mention to Walt that he is riding about 1000 km. It will sound like a bigger feat.