Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Oy Vey!! What A Week.....

This is the Chef Bear that I made for our daughter Christa, she loved it!!  I also made one for Aggie, our friend for her Retirement.


Hey Ya'll,

Well, it has been a while since I last posted.  But I have had a long.....week!!  Well, as I said in my last post, I went to Sacramento with Walt last week.  We were both set to go to our friends Retirement party, so I was there for the whole week.  While there, I got to have lunch with our oldest daughter Christa and our Grandchildren twice!  And lunch with my Dad once.  My Mom was supposed to be there too, but she just couldn't get out of bed.  When my Dad pulled up to park, he almost started to cry when he had to tell me that my Mom couldn't make it.

She has so many Medical problems that I just can't tell them all.  She is almost totally bedridden now from so much pain.  Technically she should be in a wheelchair full time, but she refuses to do it!  I had hoped that she would make it to lunch, if for no other reason than to get out of the house for a couple of hours....Unfortunately, the day before, she had to go in for an extensive Ultrasound and major Blood Work.  The Ultrasound was to check on one of her Kidney's (I forget now whether it was the left or the right Kidney), Liver, Pancreas and Aorta.

The Doctor also said that she has lost 20 lbs since her last Doctor visit.  He asked her if she has been on a diet, and she told him no, that she eats whatever food is brought to her, or at least as much as she can.  And believe me, the diet that they eat, is not vegetarian or low calorie.  So this scares me, especially with all the Organs that the Doctor is looking at.  We already knew that her Liver has been enlarged for years, and causes her a lot of pain, and she has had Kidney Stones several times.  I am beginning to suspect that she may have Cancer.  She also has smoked since she was 13 and she is now 76 years old, and has COPD.  So Lung Cancer is something that I wouldn't be at all surprised at.  And her oldest Brother just recently died from Pancreatic Cancer.....Not to mention one of my Cousins (just a year older than me) died while waiting for a double Transplant for Pancreas and Kidney.... 

Since my Mom wasn't able to make lunch, I took her a plate to eat at home.  She looked HORRIBLE!!  Every time we see her, she looks worse.  Based on how she looks, etc, we are not sure that she will even live to see Christmas this year, and if so, will she make it to the next???  I hate to think of her passing, yet at the same time, I hate to see her in so much constant pain....When she does pass, it will be the saddest day of my life, yet at the same time, it will be such a relief to know that she is no longer in pain.  And I feel terrible just thinking this.....I see her in so much pain, and I know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help her!  And my Dad isn't doing much better himself!!  We totally believe that once Mom goes, my Dad won't last too much longer.

So, other than visiting with our daughters and the grand kids, and my parents, the week went steadily downhill....At Kat's house, we sleep in their spare bed, which is only a double bed.  We are used to a Cal King!!  So we sleep on this tiny bed that is pushed up against a wall.  And of course, I am the lucky one that is up against the wall.  So think of trying to turn over to change positions.  Plus, I went to bed when Walt did, so I was forced to be in this tight position for a much long time.  On top of this I was sleeping on a pillow that I am not used to which placed my head up higher, and I ended up with excruciating Neck and Back pain!!  This was on Tuesday of last week, and it still hurts!!  I have had stiff Necks before, but never one that lasted over a week!  I am beginning to wonder if it is something else???

On top of this, the Pinched Nerve in my lower Spine started acting up too!!  So my left Leg/Hip/Knee has been in pain, on and off for this past week and a half as well!!  When it is hurting, it hurts no matter what position I am in, like sitting, standing or sitting.  However, standing/walking makes it hurt worse.  So I am glad that we finally made an appointment with a local Doctor to get checked out.  I am hoping that she can provide me the name of a good Neurologist here in Reno.  My Spinal problems as well as my Fibromyalgia appears to have started acting up again.  Oh and also my Rosasea has totally flared up!  I am having a really hard time just trying to keep it under control!!  So I may need the name of a good Dermatologist here in Reno as well!!  Oy vey!!

So I haven't wanted to do much of anything this week.  I am happy just to be able to sit at my desk and Crochet.  At least I am getting something accomplished, without having to do too much.  I am only 55 years old for God sake!!  But I feel like am closer to 70!!  So when I see my Mom in her condition and in so much pain, I wonder what I will be like in another 20 years....will I even want to be here???

Years ago, before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, etc and I was in so much pain.  I seriously was considering Suicide to end it.  Luckily, I told Walt and he told me to get in to my Neurologist immediately.  When I told her how bad I was feeling, she changed my drugs, and although it has never completely taken all my pain away, it has helped to keep my pain under control.  Now it appears to be flaring up again.  I know that Walt thinks that I should be doing more, but what he doesn't understand, is that some days, just getting out of bed and doing SOMETHING is a lot!!  I try to hide how I feel, but sometimes I can't.  I hate for Walt to think that all I do is complain.  I am afraid that he thinks of me as the one that cried Wolf....so I try not to complain about my pain unless it is really bothering me.

So while Walt is away in Sacramento, in a way it makes it easier for me, in that I don't have to pretend that I am doing fine in front of him.  I can stay in bed longer if I feel I need the rest.  I can take all day to do a task, just so long as it gets done.  I can just sit at my Computer and Crochet.  I know that he feels that I am exaggerating my pain and symptoms.  In the beginning, he understood, but the longer it has been since my diagnosis, the less that he remembers what the symptoms are, and thinks that I am faking it or something.  What am I to do??  I am afraid that if I don't do everything that he wants me to do, that he will get tired of my problems and want a divorce.  I do not want this, so I am doing my best to do everything that he asks of me....

Sorry for the Debbie downer post today....I am currently making an Afghan for Walt and a Sofa Topper in the same colors as well.  I will leave with a few photos of some of my latest Crochet projects.  I hope that you like them....hopefully soon, I will be able to start painting again too.  Till next time....

Aloha My Friends  :)



Here is the Uncle Sam Bear that I made for Christa.  They always give a huge 4th of July Barbecue at their house, so I thought that she would love this as a decoration.







My first adult sized Purse that I made for Christa.   It measured about 8"h x 13"w x 2"d
A close up view of the detail work on the front.
And my Tote Bag!  Christa loved it so much that I gave it to her too!  It measures about 13"w x 15"h x 6"d.  And Christa's husband Mark wants one too!!

7 comments:

~Lisa~ said...

Ohhh my lovely Lady, I could have written this post myself. My Mother has past, and I understand your heartache. It was so difficult seeing her through that last year. I knew that her passing meant her pain was gone, but it still hurts to this day that she is.

And physically, I feel your pain. With RA, I have a credo - If I can get out of bed, make my bed, and brush my teeth I've done everything on my list - everything else is a bonus! Take it all as it comes, do what you can, and live your life in a way that is good for you. What doesn't get done today will always be there tomorrow! Remember, you're married "for better or for worse", "in sickness and in health" - some days are better than others, and if today is not a good day for you, there is always tomorrow!

(((hugggggssss))) to YOU!!!

Debi said...

Oh thank you sooo much Lisa!! It helps to hear from someone who understands, and I totally feel for you what you are going through.

My blood work has come back several times with RA Factors whatever that means, and hopefully it doesn't mean that I too will someday be battling RA. However, I have been having pain in my fingers for a few months now....only time will tell.

Just hang in there and like you said, take it one day at a time.

Sheila said...

I am so sorry about the constant pain (and also sorry about your mom & dad...that has to be incredibly difficult.) I agree we marry for better or worse. I don't think that people who do NOT live with constant pain can fathom what it is like, so I can see how Walt 'forgets' that you are in pain. My mom and I just had this conversation because she got a small cut on her leg that turned into a infection that left her barely able to walk. She is better now, but the conversation was like "you don't know what you take for granted (walking, breathing, etc.) until you can't do it." Hang in there lady! Sending you a hug! Oh and I love the purses...you are so clever!

Ronnie said...

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, Debi. :(

Debi said...

Ronnie - Thanks! I too hope that it ends soon...

Sheila - Thank you, I know that Walt knows I am in pain, but he does forget just how much pain that I am in. He forgets that sometimes just barely squeezing my leg with his fingers would send a spasm of pain through my leg!!

As for my Neck, it is still in spasms and I don't know what to do... :(

Lonicera said...

I do love your little chef, what a poppet...
I know so little about the human body, but I hate the idea of anyone being in pain. I wondered if you've looked up any of it on the internet to learn more? Though it sounds as though you do anyway. Does a hot shower beating down on the painful bits help, if only temporarily??
Caroline

Debi said...

Thanks Caroline, yes most seem to really like the Chef Bear, and I like it too!!

As for the pain, no a hot shower and massage doesn't seem to help at all.

I have been in "remission" for a while now from my symptoms, and now that I appear to be in a new flare up, I just forgot how painful it could be....

But I am going back in to the Doctor, so hopefully she will have something new to tell me about treatment....???